Sunflower

I asked myself tonight, “How awesome could I be if I just backed off and trusted myself?” Trusted the process of living and growing as something that could possibly be good; even if everything before my present situation was so painful and intolerable that I literally had to check out from reality from time to time. No human should ever have to live through what I’ve lived through. No one ever deserves to be abused, used, neglected, isolated, abandoned, choked, raped, and homeless. No one deserves to be a human guinea pig for Big Pharma’ s psychotropic drug department and a practice run for various therapies aimed at a grotesque number of diagnoses from the DSM. No one deserves to have a mother that doesn’t love them. No one.

So within the last few days, something has happened that has never happened to me in the past 38 years, as far back as I can remember, right back to my very first memory…

While I was potty training, maybe around two years old, my Dad was chasing me to spank me for having an accident. I ran to my mother who was lying on the couch watching TV, covered by her rainbow-colored, crocheted blanket. I got right between her and the TV, sobbing for her to help me. She looked right through me.

What if I really am a good enough person??? I have to give props to The Crappy Childhood Fairy for putting in front of me what I needed to hear at this level of being ready to finish healing and move on, which was preceded by a over a year with the most amazingly patient therapist, Dawn Brown. I saved the best for last. Make no mistake, it  took a long time to get here, over five years in fact. But I am finally close to being truly healed from my Childhood PTSD.

I’m actually starting, for the first time in my entire 38 years, to value my own dignity and self-respect. I WANT to do things that make me proud of myself. I just went to two places that, weeks ago, I would’ve thought I was MOST DEFINITELY NOT good enough to work for, and I applied. This is similar to what happened when I went to apply at Hooters. I didn’t think I was good enough to get the job, then I did. And then I become a dancer within about 3 to 4 months because I thought, “I’m already flirting with guys in skimpy orange shorts and a low-cut tank top, and I could make like 10x what I’m making here if I got down to a thong.”

I took that leap. It was one of the best things I ever did in my life, aside from having my son, marrying my husband, and choosing each and every one of our amazing pets |Bless all their sweet spirits|. Stripping was among those best things I ever did because it got me away from being dependent on my narcissistic mother. She was smothering and controlling me in every way. Being around her made me hate myself. I had to move from Missouri to Florida to get away from her. In the strip clubs, I found my power; and they wouldn’t fire me when I had my inevitable depressions, which plagued me since I was a preteen. I had a lot of trouble holding down regular 9-5 jobs because my suicidal feelings and behaviors would surface once every few months, and no matter what job I had, and how much I loved and appreciated the opportunity, I would lose it eventually by not showing up.

It wasn’t fair, but it was my life. I did what I had to do.

This time I’m going to do even better. I’m gonna make real money with my clothes on…

 

This post inspired by Sunflower by Post Malone + Swae Lee

Ayy, ayy, ayy, ayy (ooh)

Ooh, ooh, ooh, ohh (ooh)

Ayy, ayy

Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh

Needless to say, I keep her in check

She was all bad-bad, nevertheless (yeah)

Callin’ it quits now, baby, I’m a wreck (wreck)

Crash at my place, baby, you’re a wreck (wreck)

Needless to say, I’m keeping her in check

She was all bad-bad, nevertheless

Callin’ it quits now, baby, I’m a wreck

Crash at my place, baby, you’re a wreck

Thinkin’ in a bad way, losin’ your grip

Screamin’ at my face, baby, don’t trip

Someone took a big L, don’t know how that felt

Lookin’ at you sideways, party on tilt

Ooh-ooh, some things you just can’t refuse

She wanna ride me like a cruise

And I’m not tryna lose

Then you’re left in the dust

Unless I stuck by ya

You’re a sunflower

I think your love would be too much

Or you’ll be left in the dust

Unless I stuck by ya

You’re the sunflower

You’re the sunflower

Every time I’m leavin’ on ya

You don’t make it easy, no, no

Wish I could be there for ya

Give me a reason to go

Every time I’m walkin’ out

I can hear you tellin’ me to turn around

Fightin’ for my trust and you won’t back down

Even if we gotta risk it all right now, oh

I know you’re scared of the unknown (known)

You don’t wanna be alone (alone)

I know I always come and go (and go)

But it’s out of my control

And you’ll be left in the dust

Unless I stuck by ya

You’re a sunflower

I think your love would be too much

Or you’ll be left in the dust

Unless I stuck by ya

You’re the sunflower

You’re the sunflower

Yeah

Source: LyricFind